Saturday, June 02, 2007

A Trip to the Farmer's Market

It is a beautiful sunny day and I walked down to the farmers' market and bought cherries. Cherries are not ripe where I live yet but they are in the central part of the state where this farmer was from. The beginning of the cherry season always makes me happy. I have already finished eating the pound that I bought.

Despite the sun and the cherries, I am not feeling amazing today. My relationship with L. is not working out and oh how I wish it would. I spent a good part of last night crying and I predict there will be more tears later at some point. Tears are cathartic for me and help me work through my anger, insecurities, and most of all my fear of change. I was reading some of Frida's posts and one quote that struck me was:

Most of the pain of change comes from our resistance to it.

I really love L. I wish it would work but I cannot change myself or my feelings to make this happen, nor can she change hers. I so enjoy the time we spend together. Even though we have only been dating for a few months, I now feel this huge void. As far as I was concerned, I could have spent the rest of my life with her. That's a big load for a person to live up to, I know.

So now I must once again embrace change as best I can. For me, the change is going back to solitude. Luckily, as my counselor reminded me yesterday, I am good at solitude. I have lived most of my life alone.

On my way to the market, I walked by a woman in a wheelchair who was pushing herself backwards up a hill with her feet. Having a disabled mother who likes to do everything for herself I was careful how I spoke to the woman, "Good Morning, the sun is beautiful isn't it? Would you like me to help push you up the hill or are you doing O.K on your own?" "I am doing O.K., thank you," was her reply.

I was happy that I didn't assume that this woman needed help and was reminded of mother's and even my own determination to do things on our own.

Yes, I will be alright. I can get up the hill on my own. I just wish I didn't have to.


Myrthe said...

Thanks for your post, Margaret.
Though I am sure your and my situations are in many ways very different (for one thing, we have been together for about two and a half years now), what you wrote about you and L resembles my relationship with my boyfriend a bit. My boyfriend is the one who is ready to spend the rest of his life with me (we're not talking marriage here, just commitment) while I am the one who keeps having doubts. Despite the doubts, I know I definitely want him in my life. Maybe I am just scared because the 'rest of my life' is (hopefully still) such a very long time! I find it scary that someone tells me he can see us spending the rest of our lives together. I hope we'll find a way to work things out. Your words made me think about his feelings and his side of things.

Dear Margaret, I do wish you all the strength to deal with all your feelings, anger, loss, sadness. I hope you will be able to eventually turn this experience into something positive.

As for the cherries, I bought my first cherries of the season yesterday. Their not yet as sweet as they will be in a few weeks, but I was so happy! About ten days ago, the first strawberries were available and my boyfriend told me he had seen the first apricots on sale this week. This is a sure sign of summer and of good things (read: lots of fresh and good summer food) to come!

margaret said...

Thanks, Myrthe.
I've been up and down emotionally and it was wonderful to wake up to your supportive words this morning!

Myrthe said...

I know what it is like to go "up and down emotionally" because of your feelings for someone else. It's been happening a lot to me as well.

margaret said...

Thanks, Myrthe. Maybe today will be better.

Anonymous said...

M,it will get better when your heart is ready for it to get patient with yourself...healing, as you know so well, is never an overnite process and can indeed be a time of great growth...I know embracing it can be painful but the greater loss would be to feel it and not gain from it as you do...meanwhile take care of you for you and for all of us who care for you too. In the end this will be another sad but sweetly beautiful little war wound, making you stronger and wiser and ever more appealing. :)