It is a beautiful sunny day and I walked down to the farmers' market and bought cherries. Cherries are not ripe where I live yet but they are in the central part of the state where this farmer was from. The beginning of the cherry season always makes me happy. I have already finished eating the pound that I bought.
Despite the sun and the cherries, I am not feeling amazing today. My relationship with L. is not working out and oh how I wish it would. I spent a good part of last night crying and I predict there will be more tears later at some point. Tears are cathartic for me and help me work through my anger, insecurities, and most of all my fear of change. I was reading some of Frida's posts and one quote that struck me was:
Most of the pain of change comes from our resistance to it.
I really love L. I wish it would work but I cannot change myself or my feelings to make this happen, nor can she change hers. I so enjoy the time we spend together. Even though we have only been dating for a few months, I now feel this huge void. As far as I was concerned, I could have spent the rest of my life with her. That's a big load for a person to live up to, I know.
So now I must once again embrace change as best I can. For me, the change is going back to solitude. Luckily, as my counselor reminded me yesterday, I am good at solitude. I have lived most of my life alone.
On my way to the market, I walked by a woman in a wheelchair who was pushing herself backwards up a hill with her feet. Having a disabled mother who likes to do everything for herself I was careful how I spoke to the woman, "Good Morning, the sun is beautiful isn't it? Would you like me to help push you up the hill or are you doing O.K on your own?" "I am doing O.K., thank you," was her reply.
I was happy that I didn't assume that this woman needed help and was reminded of mother's and even my own determination to do things on our own.
Yes, I will be alright. I can get up the hill on my own. I just wish I didn't have to.