Friday, September 28, 2007

Alone

It's a cold wet night. I was going to go see a movie with a friend but have decided to get in my pyjamas and hang out on the couch instead. It's been a busy week workwise. I am super involved in advocating for a state law to be implemented at the local level and have done two presentations on the topic this week. I am on a mission. We joke that we could wake me up in the middle of the night and push a button on my chin and I could rattle on about why this law is important and what is standing in the way of it being implemented.

I am wondering if I give myself too hard of a time about spending so much time alone. I started thinking that my alone time is not necessarily a negative. I really like being alone. Yeah, sometimes I spend so much time alone that the pendulum swings the other way and I start thinking that I am socially inadequate. Its gotten to the point that my father asks for a social calendar update whenever I talk to him, "So what socializing have you done this week?"

But hell, my job requires me to be social and if I want to retreat in the evenings and weekends I CAN. Plus, I am taking two online classes that I have done very little work for. It's time to do some catching up. And, I am going on a long weekend hike on the coast with my friend G. next weekend and will have 24 hour company then. As you can see, I still feel that I have to justify spending time alone.

Some of this current concern comes out of my listmaking and discussion yesterday about what I am looking for in a partner. I can't rush any of this and I am doing things that I love. Why be impatient and stress about it? I will be open to what the universe offers me. So far, I have been partnerless and have instead been able to put my heart and soul into my work for a women's organization that I am proud to work for. I do good important work and know that I am sending positive ripples into the world. I also reenergize myself with my postcards, my time in nature, my Maya cuddling, my reading, and my blogging.

I am happy, but I often don't realize it. I am surrounded by trees and mountains. I have a small cozy little place with neighbours that share my values. I have a cat who comes running to meet me every afternoon when I pull into the driveway. I have a job that brings all of my skills together and in which I am making a difference. I have friends that I care for. Its just this little voice that tells me that I should have more, even though when I sit down to define this more I find it difficult.

This more is the way I feel when a friend or colleague gives me a quick one gesture shoulder touch that leaves its imprint on me for days. Its not sexual, its just touch. Something that I don't feel often.

This more is knowing that there is someone besides my parents who loves me no matter what. I have this with my long list of wonderful friends. But there is always a limit to this love, isn't there?

This more is someone smiling at you and giving you a big hug when they see you after a period of absence.

This more is the unknown that two people have the potential of creating, together.

Patience, patience. I should not even wait. I should simply live. And this can mean spending a quiet weekend at home, alone.

4 comments:

Myrthe said...

Margaret, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone, especially if you already know that you have plenty of plans with other people ahead. I have the same thing. From time to time (make that: almost every weekend) I need to be alone to recharge my batteries. In my experience, I can only really do that when I am alone, writing, reading, surfing the net, cleaning the house, cooking. After doing that for a day or two I am ready to go out to face the world and deal with people again. There really is nothing wrong with wanting and needing to be alone. Just make sure you go out and meet people when you need to as well. It's the balance that's important and that balance is different for everyone.

As for missing a partner. To me it seems that you have a full and fulfilling life even though you obviously feel that you are missing something (someone) in it. Please, never forget to cherish and celebrate what you do have! Eventually someone will show up. For some that someone comes later rather than sooner. But there is someone out there for you! Until you meet her, try to enjoy life as much as possible. Okay, this is all very easy for me to say, I know that. I guess, what I really want to say is: Celebrate the things you do have in life, because to me it seems you do have an awful lot to celebrate, to enjoy and to feel happy about!

margaret said...

Myrthe,
Wow what nice comments. Its nice to hear that you need alots of alone time too. Yes, and I do have lots to celebrate.
Thanks for being my blog friend,
Margaret

Lacithecat said...

Margaret,

I spend a lot of time alone, even when I am in a relationship. I need it for myself to gather energy and find my feet. I don't think anything is wrong with that.

Some people need to be around others just to feel like they are alive. Some people don't. But that does not mean that they want to be alone. Quite the opposite. A good friend of mine keeps telling me that we cannot live by other's benchmarks of 'normality'. We all have our own way of living.

And this time will pass. I keep telling myself the same. Not that I am rushing to get in another misquided relationship (smile), which i have a forte for at the moment. Under such circumstances ... alone is better than alternative.

((hug))

And thanks for getting my address from Frida. I am not all curious about my postcard! Yeh! I count myself lucky to get one of your hand crafted lovelies.

x

Stefanie

Myrthe said...

Stefanie, you and your friend are so right: one person's 'normality' is not necessarily someone else's 'normality'. It is something I've had to struggly with. In many ways I think differently and value different things than what many people consider 'normal' (whatever that is) and I used to feel somewhat uncomfortable about feeling different. Now I no longer care what other people think or consider 'normal'. I am who I am and I know what I stand for and what I need and don't need (or at least I try to know all that or pretend I know it).

Margaret, I am glad we're blogfriends, too. Big, big hugs from me!