It's a cold wet night. I was going to go see a movie with a friend but have decided to get in my pyjamas and hang out on the couch instead. It's been a busy week workwise. I am super involved in advocating for a state law to be implemented at the local level and have done two presentations on the topic this week. I am on a mission. We joke that we could wake me up in the middle of the night and push a button on my chin and I could rattle on about why this law is important and what is standing in the way of it being implemented.
I am wondering if I give myself too hard of a time about spending so much time alone. I started thinking that my alone time is not necessarily a negative. I really like being alone. Yeah, sometimes I spend so much time alone that the pendulum swings the other way and I start thinking that I am socially inadequate. Its gotten to the point that my father asks for a social calendar update whenever I talk to him, "So what socializing have you done this week?"
But hell, my job requires me to be social and if I want to retreat in the evenings and weekends I CAN. Plus, I am taking two online classes that I have done very little work for. It's time to do some catching up. And, I am going on a long weekend hike on the coast with my friend G. next weekend and will have 24 hour company then. As you can see, I still feel that I have to justify spending time alone.
Some of this current concern comes out of my listmaking and discussion yesterday about what I am looking for in a partner. I can't rush any of this and I am doing things that I love. Why be impatient and stress about it? I will be open to what the universe offers me. So far, I have been partnerless and have instead been able to put my heart and soul into my work for a women's organization that I am proud to work for. I do good important work and know that I am sending positive ripples into the world. I also reenergize myself with my postcards, my time in nature, my Maya cuddling, my reading, and my blogging.
I am happy, but I often don't realize it. I am surrounded by trees and mountains. I have a small cozy little place with neighbours that share my values. I have a cat who comes running to meet me every afternoon when I pull into the driveway. I have a job that brings all of my skills together and in which I am making a difference. I have friends that I care for. Its just this little voice that tells me that I should have more, even though when I sit down to define this more I find it difficult.
This more is the way I feel when a friend or colleague gives me a quick one gesture shoulder touch that leaves its imprint on me for days. Its not sexual, its just touch. Something that I don't feel often.
This more is knowing that there is someone besides my parents who loves me no matter what. I have this with my long list of wonderful friends. But there is always a limit to this love, isn't there?
This more is someone smiling at you and giving you a big hug when they see you after a period of absence.
This more is the unknown that two people have the potential of creating, together.
Patience, patience. I should not even wait. I should simply live. And this can mean spending a quiet weekend at home, alone.