Thursday, September 27, 2007

Creativity, Postcards, Love, and Thoughts

I had appetizers and a glass of wine with a coworker this evening. We explored what love and intimacy would be like for me. I have experienced them in the forms of friendship and familial love but the true deep intimacy of partnership, no.
Do I even know what that would like? Do I even really want to know?
I'm not sure.

Did you know that 80 percent of newly infected HIV cases are are heterosexual married and monagomous women? That's why the United States is supporting abstinence-only HIV programs.

Have I ever told you that it is because of you that I understand the words "Feminism" and "Social Justice?" By the age of 6, I already knew that I believed in both.

I cannot have how I want...
I can imagine what I've seen.
Then what I haven't. Although not easily, not quite without effort,...
Or only is so in my head where what has never can.
-Rebecca Brown

I went to see a play called "Birth" the other day. It was a bit like the Vagina Monologues except that it was about birth. A friend of mine was in it and I wanted to support her. The howling labor pains and the epistiotomy were hard for me to take. If I hadn't been in a middle seat, I wouldn't have been able to stay in my seat. I could much more easily listen to the fake orgasm sounds of the "Monologues."

Days earlier I had made a postcard with a picture of a Mayan woman giving birth. I had meant to write "nunca mas" but messed up and wrote "nada mas," "no more." "Nunca mas" means "never again" and was the name of Guatemala's Historical Memory project. As far as I am concerned, it also applies to childbirth. However in my case, it's just plain "nunca," "never."

And another "thank you" to Wendy...


Wendy said...

This is a beautiful post, M, for many reasons...your art, your words, your truth.

Yes, the howling of labor, well put, dear M. When I gave birth to Satch I felt like an animal...a human animal. It both was earthy, and otherworldly. I howled, oh yes I howled. I gave my body permission to do what it knows and I trusted that my body knew what it was doing because my mind sure didn't. The howling was a release of something so intense that it defies description, a sensation so consuming that it literally drove me to my knees. It was as if nature itself was saying, "Mother, you are about to experience the miraculous...a new life is about to come through you...something that monumental is going to be has to be so you'll remember it". There were many times in those loooong twelve hours that I thought I would not survive, that I was a fool to think I could do it. I howled and the world split in two. Giving birth made me fall in love with my female body, it made me realize that the female body is like a doorway to this world. Never have I felt so exhausted, never have I felt so powerful.

For me once is enough...Nunca Mas!

There are many different intimacies to experience, many different loves...may you experience all that you seek and feel full.

I adore you,

margaret said...

Even reading your post made me queezy. Call me a coward but I would rather go to a war zone than give birth. I do have a huge appreciation for women that do though. Such a connection to one's body to the essential of what is life.
Thank you,