Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Lists

I have been really enjoying Sabrina Ward Harrison's The True and The Questions. I'll get to why a little further down in this post.

For about a month now, one of my colleagues gave me the task of coming up with a list of the qualities I would like in a partner and a list of how I want to feel in the relationship. At the time, I was in haste mode. I came up with two lists. The thing about them is that they were created in reaction to trying to get rid of my feelings of aloneness, not while accepting these feelings. There is a chapter in Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart that is all about embracing loneliness and reflecting on what about it you fear. I have read it many times throughout my adult solitary wandering life.

Because I hadn't accepted my feelings, the two lists didn't quite reflect one another. My colleague then tasked me with rewriting my lists and also reflecting on whether I even needed to be in a relationship to have the feelings. I grumbled a bit about this but went home and decided that I would do what she requested in the form of my passion right now, postcards! I made a cover for a postcard book that would contain everything that I was looking for in a partner and that would fulfill my assignment, "What I Am Awaiting, Wishing For, or Perhaps Living at Present..." The book has since remained blank. I haven't been able to fill it.

But then I started reading and journaling in the love section of Sabrina Ward Harrison's journal. For some reason this opened me up to answering my colleague's questions. I sat down and made two lists on scrap paper, making sure almost too literally that they match up. I didn't bother with color or anything. I just used my favorite pen and my handwriting. I love my handwriting. The list may evolve and change. It may cease to exist in its present form. This is what another one of my colleagues told me. I don't know if my lists will ever make it into my gilded postcard book. The cover seems too formal and static now. We'll have to see.

I am remembering to cherish and appreciate these wonderful moments and friends that I have. Delicious pumpkin soup, coworkers that I work well with, friends concerned with the state of the world, an overeating purring cat, ... I even have an ex who brings me chinese food when I am down and starts searching for dates for me on the internet! I thanked him for his support and said "no thanks."

So here are my ever evolving lists:





6 comments:

Spokie said...

Thanks for showing your lists. I like them. I might use some of the things here as they make sense.

If I had someone just bring me food everytime I was down that would not be a good thing. Did you emphasize that you were hungry or something and didn't have the energy to cook?

Perhaps your ex needs to be more understanding that at those down times you need to be reminded that you are loved and that you have great qualities. Maybe you could make them understand that what you really need is time and someone who acts like a friend making themselves available when you need them. or maybe they could do something else other than bring food like walk you around and show you that you're also surrounded by beauty.

and why would someone try to set you up with someone on the internet? perhaps they were just showing you what was available in the area. But, good for you for turning it down if that is not where you feel comfortable.

I hope things get better and I'm sorry you are so lonely.

Wendy said...

hey....i met my husband on match.com.
i did it on a lark and never imagined that i would meet my life's partner.
our paths would never have crossed otherwise.

margaret said...

spokie,
yes, my ex also took me on a walk and was just trying to make me feel better by giving me options:)
There is nothing to be sorry about though. I have been feeling lonely and I will work through it and move on. Just as I always do.

margaret said...

Wendy,
I think you told me that before. I tried match.com for almost three months and didn't feel comfortable with it. It seemed meat markety to me. Plus everyone that was interesting was far away. I e-mailed a few folk but didn't get any responses. I think it is because I lived so far away. I gave up on it. I figure I will just try to be more social and get out more and see what comes of it.

Spokie said...

Wendy,

I agree and to each their own. If someone isn't comfortable, I can understand though.

I also found someone who I feel will be a loving part of my life forever. I would have never met them without the online databases.

Spokie said...

Wendy,

I agree and to each their own. If someone isn't comfortable, I can understand though.

I also found someone who I feel will be a loving part of my life forever. I would have never met them without the online databases.