I have been really enjoying Sabrina Ward Harrison's The True and The Questions. I'll get to why a little further down in this post.
For about a month now, one of my colleagues gave me the task of coming up with a list of the qualities I would like in a partner and a list of how I want to feel in the relationship. At the time, I was in haste mode. I came up with two lists. The thing about them is that they were created in reaction to trying to get rid of my feelings of aloneness, not while accepting these feelings. There is a chapter in Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart that is all about embracing loneliness and reflecting on what about it you fear. I have read it many times throughout my adult solitary wandering life.
Because I hadn't accepted my feelings, the two lists didn't quite reflect one another. My colleague then tasked me with rewriting my lists and also reflecting on whether I even needed to be in a relationship to have the feelings. I grumbled a bit about this but went home and decided that I would do what she requested in the form of my passion right now, postcards! I made a cover for a postcard book that would contain everything that I was looking for in a partner and that would fulfill my assignment, "What I Am Awaiting, Wishing For, or Perhaps Living at Present..." The book has since remained blank. I haven't been able to fill it.
But then I started reading and journaling in the love section of Sabrina Ward Harrison's journal. For some reason this opened me up to answering my colleague's questions. I sat down and made two lists on scrap paper, making sure almost too literally that they match up. I didn't bother with color or anything. I just used my favorite pen and my handwriting. I love my handwriting. The list may evolve and change. It may cease to exist in its present form. This is what another one of my colleagues told me. I don't know if my lists will ever make it into my gilded postcard book. The cover seems too formal and static now. We'll have to see.
I am remembering to cherish and appreciate these wonderful moments and friends that I have. Delicious pumpkin soup, coworkers that I work well with, friends concerned with the state of the world, an overeating purring cat, ... I even have an ex who brings me chinese food when I am down and starts searching for dates for me on the internet! I thanked him for his support and said "no thanks."
So here are my ever evolving lists: